daveash

Hi. My name is David. Nice to meet you. Some weather we're having, huh?

What do you do for a living? That's interesting.

I'm a part-time journalist, author, screenwriter, poet, actor, and filmmaker.

I also do a magic act for children's parties (not true).

When I'm not doing this stuff, I work in finance for a Minnesota glue

company. It's not as glamorous as it sounds.

Below you'll find an à la carte buffet of some of my work. Please try a

sample. It's free. Don't load up on bread.

People Need To Love Each Other More

Love.

Do you think there’s enough love in the world? Are you doing your part to

spread love and joy and happiness throughout the world?

According to science people, it takes thirty-six muscles to frown, but only

fourteen to smile, and maybe only one to sustain a serious erection--to be

enjoyed with a loved one.

But instead we’re always frowning. Not spreading love to other people.

But what if love were like a rubber band, and you could stretch it, like

rubber, until it covered the world like a giant rubber band covering a giant

marble that represented the world and the rubber band represents, again, love?

That would be sweet.

I’m Dr. Pat, Life Trainer, and I think people need to love each other more. You see, love and caring are what sustain us in this life, what matter most to people, and what differentiates the human specie from the monkeys, who I find rude and pretentious.

FILMS >>

I wrote, directed, and starred in Who Killed Tony? The film came in on time (filmed in less

than 3 hours) and under budget ($20). Who Killed Tony? has screened at three film festivals thus

far and is currently featured on the internet television network ManiaTV.com.

Plus, two brand new short films : Father and Son Talk and Game Time.

TEXT >>

Over the years, I've written a number of freelance articles and essays for a variety of publications from McSweeney's to the Minneapolis Star-Tribune to the revered literary journal Minnesota Business.

Welcome to the Wal-Mart TV Network!

... If you haven't already done so, please give a kind hello to our store greeter Floyd. Floyd's 82 and he's a little slow on the take, but he gives this $250 billion international conglomerate a warm, avuncular face. Floyd fought for this country in both World War II and Korea, unfortunately killing many men who's offspring could have made literally millions of watches and radios.

After the service, Floyd worked many different manual labor jobs for decades just trying to make ends meet for his family. He didn't have a pension or health insurance when he tried to retire, so now he winds out his few remaining days here earning $5.94 an hour making uncomfortable the few strangers who don't ignore him.

SUBTEXT >>

A quick cheat-sheet guide to some of the subtext present in my work:

If the human specie were meant to make war rather than love, we would not have been gifted with a heart capable of caring or genetalia capable of fucking.

It is the children that are our future, especially the smart ones.

Man's primordial, never-ending quest for freedom will forever be bound by the chains of a chain-like freedom inhibitor.

THE PROBE >>

A few years ago I started and then finished an online news portal.

Bush Orders Button For Release Of

Nuclear Weapons To Be Made Into

Joystick

WASHINGTON, DC --The Defense Department last

week responded to concerns by President Bush that

the administration's defense strategies were "totally

boring and complicated," by granting the President's

request that the button used for the deployment of

nuclear missiles be developed into a joystick.

SCREENPLAY >>

This is from my first movie script, YOU'RE THE ONE. The screenplay was a semi-finalist in four somewhat respected international screenplay competitions.

INTERVIEWER

Well, Thomas, you obviously have a

lot of the skills we’re looking for.

Lot of strong positives… If I were to

ask you to give me one weakness you

might have, what would that be?

TOM

I’m lazy.

Click here for the full screenplay. Click here for a synopsis.

THIS DATE IN HISTORY >>

1939

Although the line seems tame by today's standards, Gone With the Wind creator Warner Studios is pressured by right-wing activists to change Rhett Butler's now famous send-off to lover Scarlet O'Hara, "Fuck you, cunt whore."

LISTS >>

Action Verbs to Use Sparingly on Resumés

"bastardized", "misappropriated", "corrupted", "pissed away", "undermined", "blamed", "sodomized", "obfuscated", "extorted", "fondled", "marred", "pimped"

THE PROBE CORRECTIONS >>

*****CORRECTIONS*****

The name of middleweight contender Terrence Cook, Roy Jones' opponent in Friday's sold-out Excel Center bout, was misspelled in The Probe's post-fight coverage (Jones Beats Cock in Front of 15,000, Aug. 1).

The bald dwarf referenced in a recent feature story was a four month-old baby (Woman Keeps Hairless, Incoherent Midget-Man As Pet, Aug. 4).

POETRY >>

My Fair Lady

A fair maiden I saw from afar

Standing away from the crowd at the bar

It was then I did think

I should buy her a drink

But instead I went home and masturbated in a dark room for four and a half hours

DR. PAT >>

Dr. Pat is a self-taught psychologist and life trainer. He periodically writes self-empowerment articles for corporate newsletters.

Dream On!: Using Your Dreams As Something To Get!

“If you love something, let it go,” my late grandpapa once whispered in my ear when I was but a young child. “If it never returns, well, then you’re fucking screwed.”

He died a few years later of a tequila and opium-induced heart attack while screwing a 14 year-old hooker named Bonita in non-descript brothel just outside of Guadalajara, Mexico.

“He died doing what he loved,” my father was fond of recalling ...

NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD >>

ACROSS DOWN

1. Peloponnesian interpretation of the Sanskrit

1. You can eat this food.

symbol for melancholy.

2. The ___________.

6. Not "carriage" or "bacon" but another word.

3. God looks like this.

7. Famous white American.

4. Xenium, cottage cheese, rugby, ________.

8. A _______ does this.

5. Gene Rayburn's second favorite side dish.

TRUE STORY >>

... I set my sights like a laser beam on The University of Kentucky, an institution with academic admission standards not quite as stringent as say, those air-conditioning and VCR repair schools Sally Struthers shills on late night cable.

"They like to lower the ol' academic bar down there so that they can admit kids who can jump," my high school guidance counselor stated while explaining that my exceedingly average grade point and test scores would be no impediment to my acceptance at this particular cathedral of erudition.

"Fair enough," I replied.

SEMI-TRUE STORY >>

... Flat broke and on the verge of mental and physical collapse, Ash had the good fortune in February, 2000, to befriend an unemployed Odessa, Texas, carney vendor and puppet maker named Leroy Jenkins who was known in traveling amusement circles for eating out of garbage cans and grifting arcade tokens from school children.

Unfortunately, their relationship, which was originally a symbiotic kinship predicated on mutual respect and admiration between two road savvy soul mates, ultimately resulted in Jenkins pimping Ash's prodigious love-making abilities to street urchins in exchange for pull tabs and a warm pair of socks.